#even if i dont ive always been someone who writes nonsense so it doesnt matter if it stays a concept yknow

[maxiwaxipads]

wow ! ! time to yap about fragaria memories but ocs ! !

Collie and Luli -

Twin Knights to the Magical Twin Comets.

(The kingdom has close ties to Little Stars Kingdom) (Both Louterstella and Klarkstella know each other) (Androgynous)

(Twin Comets Kingdom is relatively smaller compared to other kingdoms) (Known for its “Starry Plateau” which seems to be something SEEDs are attracted to(?))

(Starry Plateau has a significant cultural heritage)

(Home to the Wishing Sanctum) (Abnormally attracts SEEDs and they seem insistent on destroying/contaminating the Sanctum)

(While the SEEDs attack the Wishing Sanctum, SEEDs seem barely interested in the Twin Comets Kingdom(?))

(Both the Little Stars Kingdom and Twin Comets Kingdom have close ties with each other) (The Twin Comets Kingdom has requested aid in defending the sacred Temple)

(I like to think the Wishing Sanctum hasn’t been open in a while but is believed to contain a way to permanently rid of SEEDs) (Not like a total wipe-out, but more like a spell or weapon that is effective against SEEDs(?))

(I wanted the SEEDs exclusively attack during the nighttime, but that doesn’t make logical sense even if we don’t know much about them(?))

(Maybe the Wishing Sanctum is open during the night(?))

The “Wishing Sanctum” carries a rare and essential ingredient essential to creating a “wish.” It can only be accessed by the Magical Twin Comets and their Knights of Fragaria. The essential ingredient is currently dubbed “Dream Sap” and is a one-of-a-kind item that can only be made within the Wishing Sanctum.

(Descending down a fleet of stairs, you’re met with a fountain hung upside down) (There is no water, but a single drop that dribbles into a bowl on a pedestal) (It could be akin to a bird bath) (There are signs of overgrowth, and the stone looks old and a bit cracked—but not significant to be concerning)

If it were to be written the story would have to abide by a few rules: SEEDs don’t only feed off from negative emotions but also “magic.” Because the “Wishing Sanctum” is abundant with magic and creates the Dream Sap, it attracts SEEDs.

Another rule is that “magic” isn’t always naturally abundant in this world. (<— Unless we’re doing world-building about the local flora or animal populations or something similar) (But for the sake of the story, it’ll be abided by these two rules)

SEEDs are attracted towards “magic” and negativity—and magic isn’t something that is truly innate within the world of Fragaria.

(if you want my tangent version of ideas [that will likely not make sense], i like the idea of “positive” and “negative” energies if that makes sense????) (the idea is that because the wishing sanctum brims with “positive energy” it is a natural attraction to SEEDs that want to stain it with their negativities) (“magic” or “positive energy” the idea still applies but with a different philosophy) (if SEEDs seem to consume negativity, then positivity must exist right?) (i like the idea that one of the ingredients in creating a wish is common grass or even weeds) (it’s something so ordinary, how can it be an essential ingredient for a wish?) (i might sound crazy but i like to think that maybe fragaria memories is just an environmental allegory and SEEDs represent GMOs) (if i talk about it more ill just get into other ideas that aren’t even canon and just me rambling about what the world of fragaria could be)

Collie is more quiet, but not exactly reserved and friendly to talk to. Luli is more energetic. (I like to think they're both air-headed in their own ways(?)) (Two people who get easily distracted and impressed)

Something like: Luli: "LOOK! A BIRD!" (Collie: "Woah.")

Louterstella: "You know I was just talking to you, right?"

If the other causes trouble, the other will follow suit.

Luli: "I have MY LORD AND WITCHCRAFT AT MY SIDE!"

(But I imagine they're quite reliable as knights rather than themselves(?)) (The type where you look away for a second and suddenly there's an A plot and a B plot) (yeah so they share a single brain cell with each is what I'm saying) (I should probably give them more defining traits...)

(Both wear a uniform reminiscent of the coats Louterstella and Klarkstella wear but in black) (Collie wears a purple tie with a star clip attached to it) (Luli dons pink star-shaped sunglasses and has her shirt untucked and unbuttoned) (Collie has his shirt fully buttoned up and looks more formal)

(I like to think Luli is the more responsible one compared to Collie) (But they are dependable in their own way) (I like to think Collie is the type to pause and reorganize multiple times just to make it appear "right") (the urge to organize... i understand it well...!)

(I think they're susceptible to the "LOOK! OVER THERE!")

(originally they had genders but it didnt make sense to give them ones yknow?) (it be like that sometimes)

[skyphile]

prime numbers! ((emberoops))

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

THIS IS SO SAD BUT NO...... he would DIE for a sibling, and his parents dont have siblings either so he doesnt even have cousins,,, he longs for that kind of relationship so much??

he ended up projecting being a big brother to many people over the course of his life instead, and it embarrasses him so much when he notices it happening, it makes him feel so silly

i would say the biggest tugs of that kind of dynamic rn are maybe with colin especially with all the dumb fake animosity, while adrien is almost a legit Parental/mother hen feeling of being protective of him

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

ive talked about this a bit before, but graham was the product of an arranged marriage. his grandfather made his dad marry a woman from a prestigious family so they could keep their popularity and prestige and important connections themselves, especially as immigrants in a very racist country

his parents ended up caring deeply for one another, but not in a romantic way, and his mother was extremely depressed and anxious throughout her pregnancy, and after graham was born. she was nearly suicidal and grahams grandfather was only making things worse, so it was grahams dad who basically. decided to say fuck it to his father, bring grahams mother somewhere safe, give her all the money and resources and protection she needed to get better and pursue her own life, and he was super attached to baby graham and wanted to raise him all by himself

this early turmoil traumatized graham and when he grew up it was something that made him feel othered in relation to his peers, in addition to his race, his culture, his budding gender identity and sexual & romantic orientations. it made him feel deeply unloveable, broken, and incapable of love himself, it was one of the things that made him grow up very wary of the concept of marriage, and it took a lot of vulnerability, respect and genuine care and hard work between him and his dad to understand that the circumstances of his birth were not his fault, and that this was the best solution for everyone to be able to experience their love for each other the best way possible

graham has met her several times, writes to her regularly, and he treats her like a dear friend rather than a parent. hes happy for her, her art degrees, her girlfriend, and in turn shes expressed a lot of pride and joy in getting to meet this boy she helped bring to the world

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

graham loves his dad to fucking pieces

hes such a humble, emotionally intelligent and caring man, who from early on caught onto all the outdated and damaging aspects of the traditions of his family and fought against it time after time after time

he is completely different from his own father, who had very specific plans for him, and he just foiled them all!

with grahams birth, he did the best he could raising him by himself, thwarting his fathers enduring influence, and making sure this kid had all the tools to be true to himself and follow his heart no matter what. he isnt perfect and of course he made many mistakes, but he is always humble enough to admit when hes wrong, apologize to his child, communicate his feelings and figure out solutions together. graham has always had an amazing role model in him

the circumstances of grahams disappearance and then return after the trials of his own jumanji esque adventure are still difficult for him to understand, but he still believed graham, and he was the biggest force in bringing his son back from his damaging self isolation and motivate him to cook, to live, to carry on

he still remains ever supporting and adoring of his child, adoring of his new child in law, and just an all around amazing dude

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

what pockets....

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

if theyre not horror movie or game induced, then theyre related to his period of isolation, to being trapped in an endlessly dark, silent, quiet cold place

he may see himself as he was when that happened too, close to starvation, hollow and alone

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

during the time they were in their own jumanji esque adventure, completely by himself, unaided, trapped in some reality away from his own so he could put it together and slowly solve this lock puzzle until he got to come home again

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

hes usually ok with handling himself with crises, even when theres a lot of blood

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

bunnies! lots of sweet stuffies, including rabbits, pokemon and marine creatures

his gameboy and his tamagotchi too

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

i would say his biiiiiiig repulsion/aversion to dating culture in general? this is related to his family history but is also a big consequence of his aromanticism

he has huge trouble understanding all the rituals of people jumping into commitments and weird expectations and fleeting obsessions when most of the time they dont even have a solid foundation of time, vulnerability and trust to even call themselves a good friendship, especially in people who he sees jump into the same pitfalls over and over?

ultimately he understands that his own circumstances are important differences in how people shape their relationships, but it still makes him extremely secondhand anxious, especially because in his experience as an observer rushed things and pushed expectations make for very volatile and intense disappointments that end up hurting him a lot too, and hes kinda very tired of that

nonetheless, this has made him grow distant of friends in the past, and while he regrets some of it and wishes it was easier to compromise and be more comfortable about it, he also knows that he was right about many situations and ultimately it was a better idea not to get involved and trust his gut

What does your character dislike in other people?

nonsensical violence, general assholery, unwillingness to listen, lack of consideration for others, being treated as someone useful for stuff he knows or tools he has or things he can give and then being discarded, he also feels very peeved when people sexualize him when hes talked about his nudity before and how it relates with growing comfort with his self image

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

i would say so, yes!! working on video games, pro cuddling and cooking for others are definitely pinnacles of things hes always thought would bring others joy

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

home... close to kes, taking a deep breath in their little home, with their little family, and feeling wholly, intrinsically belonging...

similar locations are for example when his dad throws a party and graham gets to invite all his best friends and everyone just has a lovely time laughing and eating together. game streams are a similar venture too!!

but at the end of the day, coming home, kicking off shoes and clothes, snuggling up to his starlight and their babies? pure bliss

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

i still dont understand what this means,,,,

he does not have honor OR status SOBS

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

oh it is a constant cycle of tremendous happiness and having to pinch himself bc hes so scared hes still in the silent cold dark alone... hes always trying to do better to keep earning this. hes a bit better about it now, he understand ppl are here bc they want to, but yknow. brain trauma still does things sometimes.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

nope! but his dad moods are soooo big now. he just wants to protect kids and be a good influence...

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[chromsai]

i didnt want to answer this using the actual ask because since the full, untagged name is there, i just know that tumblr will find a way to get it into its main tag and just out of courtesy to its fans, i don’t wanna be that person.

that said, and out of courtesy to any of my followers that like it, i’ll put my actual opinion under the cut as extra precaution because, again, i dont wanna be that rude ass person.

(long rant ahead tbh)

it’s my least favorite ygo. i mean, setting vr aside for now just to be fair since it’s still not done yet, it is without a doubt my least favorite ygo because its writing is just that piss poor. 

tl;dr: it’s a fucking mess of a show, it doesn’t appeal to me, i find it to be (ironically) superficial (in terms of themes and messages), i dont like the decks, character arcs? god they’re wasted, the writing is just a bunch of asspullery nonsense, and “foreshadowing” is actually just spoon fed self-fulfilling prophecies. it’s my least favorite show and it almost made me quit yugioh altogether. but i still don’t discourage anyone from watching it. because maybe it didnt appeal to me or click with me, but maybe it would for someone else, and i’m not afraid to admit that. because people have different tastes.

its characters overall get little to no development, what little development most of them get (like shark and ........i wanna say kaito, but i dont wanna include kaito in here because i think his development was the only one that was actually decent, but idk who else to put here since... most characters didnt actually get development? as/t/ral, i guess?) is completely ruined sooner or later when the plot decides to inevitably asspull. i will admit i did like where shark’s development was going but the fucking moment he was revealed to be na//sh is when his development went completely down the fucking shitter. oh so JUST cuz some “destiny” says you’re “destined” to fight against yu//ma you just... go with what it’s telling you? you don’t even like your own destiny or some of the people you’re working with but... like... just cuz you remembered some memories of your past life you gotta finish the mission? even tho... 1) you didn’t actually want to, 2) you can just talk this all out (seriously this plot CAN be resolved with just talking things out, the card games are notably forced up this plot’s ass), 3) wtf happened to yu//ma being your friend??? you don’t wanna fight him but you will because you must, it’s your destiny?!? what kind of fucking non-explanation is that. fygdshbjkl honestly there are so many more questions that can be asked about just na/csh’s logic for fighting ALONE and i am still left dumbfounded. the amount of utter STUPID going on in this writing is incredible, honestly that i’m left without words.

ze//al’s plot & writing is NECK DEEP in allll that kind of stupid nonsensical logic, literally i could probably go on all night asking so many questions about where the fucking common sense went while writing this show. like i have so many fucking issues with ze//al II’s writing i just don’t understand how people think of it as legitimately good? it was all drama for drama’s sake with no real consequences since everything was reversed back to normal anyway??? fuck, i have less issues with ze//al’s first season and i actually liked it better. but anyway, moving on....

the aesthetic... is ... well before vr, i would say it was horrid, but at the very least ze//al gives us colors... it’s very colorful and the animation is pretty nice, ngl... but do i care? not really. not when i didnt really like almost any of the character designs... IV, Kaito, Mi//sael, and A//lito, Du//be, Rei/Vec//tor’s designs imo are nice... the rest... “what about the other arc//ights or [insert character here]”. no, if i didnt mention them by name just now, i didnt like their design. Yu//ma’s design... it’s... it’s very generic shounen protag. he is definitely, imo, the worst design of all the ygo protags, but i don’t think he’s HORRIBLE to look at. at least not most of the time, anyway. and actually you know what, i’ve never been into alien stuff but As//ral’s pretty, i’ll give him that. i guess perhaps that’s why i didnt like the aesthetic... too... alieny for me (gross, imo....... i just... absolutely hated the Ba//ians).

the little foreshadowing it gives us from the beginning through the end is spoonfed to us, and you literally gotta be foolish to not understand what it means straightaway. not only that, some of it uses retcon as a mechanism to seem like it’s foreshadowing (that fucking door from the first episode telling Yu//ma that he’ll lose his most important thing... and then at the end it turns out it was As//ral?? did Yu//ma not have anything important to him at the time he dreamt of the door??? or like... wtf is this door a prophet or smth or is it trying to make a contract, which is it??? make up your damn mind!!)... so yeah... it doesn’t actually give us any real “foreshadowing” as much as it uses self-fulfilling prophecies...

leading us to my next ironic point: this show is superficial af. as i just said, everything is literally spoon fed to you. literally all of its themes are plainly spelled out to you and laid out on the surface, you don’t really need to actually think to to get its message, and there is certainly no point in digging deep to find richer subtext... because there is none. there literally is none. and you know what? i know this is a very subjective preference; i personally love to delve deep into the symbolic and get analytical with the stories i enjoy because my brain is just naturally curious like that... but... even with a naturally curious brain... i just... no matter how much i try... this show is all bones and no meat. there is an established foundation of a message and it’s nice but it’s... way too straightforward and, as i said, spoon fed for my liking.

if you like that kind of story-telling, that’s completely fine, i get that. we’re not all here to watch YUGIOH, of all franchise, trying to give us some deep, meaningful message. hell, that’s not even the reason why i’ve enjoyed yugioh ever. i’m here for the same appeal that everyone else is here for: teens saving the world with stupid ass card games. but i just strongly prefer when a story, ANY story, shows enormous amounts of attention to detail and hints at deeper meanings in its context that i can use my brain to work around with and delve into. ze//al doesn’t give me even a hint of this. past ygos have, but ze//al doesnt even try. it’s meant for a younger audience tho, even for ygo’s usual demographic, so i get it. but... it’s because of this that i find it so lackluster.

speaking of the card games.... this show literally... has my least favorite decks. i’m not so into the OCG/TCG that i’m an expert about it so i dont wanna delve into something idfk much about, but just... that’s my taste... this show’s decks are terrible for the most part. the card effects are all too particular and disturbingly OP (one OP card after another... it always happens and it always makes the duels a drag to watch, even if they’re just one or two episodes long at the most)... plus... aesthetically... i guess they’re not all terrible, but still none of them wowed me either...

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again... this show nearly made me give up on yugioh. my logic was “if they’re just gonna keep making ze//al after ze//al, i’m just gonna stop.” thankfully... well i think you know what happened next...

even after all that’s said and done and i’ve pretty much ranted and ripped this show a new one, I STILL DON’T WANNA DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM WATCHING IT IF THEY REALLY WANNA TRY IT. because i know that maybe this show just wasn’t for me and it didnt click with me, but it might for someone else. i’m not here to tell you that it’s a piece of shit abomination that should never have happened and it should be whipped out of existence and you should go watch something else instead (HUR DUR GO WATCH VANGUARD INSTEAD) . i’m not here telling you what you should and shouldn’t like. if you like this show, that’s awesome. tbqh with you, i still enjoyed some of it and i’m not afraid to admit that. but overall? it was super lackluster and unimpressive, IMO. at best, i’d say it’s forgettable so for the most time i’m just like... “oh ze//al? yeah it happened i guess” and move on without a second thought and let its fans enjoy it as if its the best thing in the world even tho i personally do not see it that way at all. 

but again, i’d say watch it and make up your own opinion over it. i think that’s honestly the best course of action for any media that might even slightly interest you. don’t let people spoon feed their opinions to you. this was all MY experience of the show. go have your own.

p.s. (more of my opinion) i LOVE music and soundtracks of things. they’re always also a big factor of my enjoyment of the media i consume. the soundtrack for this show is decent at best. no track really stood out to me (like maybe one did) but for the most part... the soundtrack is just... i wouldn’t say it’s bad, it’s just... again not memorable... not my style... and my biggest gripe is that a lot of the tracks have this pseudo-grandiose feeling to it that just ultimately fall flat and don’t convey actual emotion. it mostly just seems like it’s music for music’s sake. personally, i think good soundtracks should be able to tell a story or convey an overwhelming feeling without the context of its source material being present. i... i just never got that with ze//al’s soundtrack. maybe once, as i said, but... even then i dont remember it.

on a more positive note tho... i have to admit all of the ED themes are really good (Challenge the Game was literally too good for this show, who the fuck allowed this). i’d listen to them way more often if i didnt associate them with ze//al tbh. not a huge fan of any of the OPs tho. no, not even the second OP. like it’s nice for the first few times but then, to me personally, it starts getting really grating and wangsty.

[scarlett-carson]

Its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way

things have been...all over the godsdamn place of late ive been busy ive been broken ive been, a bit under construction of late. there was a bit of a phoenixing going on behind the scenes and maybe not everyone knew it. or maybe they did and i am not as lowkey as i fancy myself to be sometimes. there was a bit of a semi-public accidental crash recently, so... it doesnt matter. no, i mean it totally matters but thats...not the point of this recently, i went on vacation. there was a road trip with my sister and it was all kinds of things. it was, above all....FUCKING NECESSARY but. to the point of this post:: we were driving back from a week in daytona and it was the middle of the night and we were talking about things and stuff and nonsense and serious stuff and bullshit and like...everything...because that is kind of this thing that we do sometimes and shes had kind of a rough go in her own way and i think we both sort of needed a quality 3am talk about what one wants to do when they realize they dont have to camp out at rock bottom anymore and that there are options beyond "idk, just not die i guess" and in all of the talk about all of the things, she asked me why i stopped writing. (because she is a cunt and kind of a sadist) i dont have an answer for that i have a list of like...bullshit excuses for why i dont write depression lack of focus nothing to say impostor syndrome "i cant i have rehearsal" etc etc etc but i didnt have an ANSWER in that moment but i did tell her that recently, id been thinking a whole lot about how i miss doing slam and spoken word. that even if i dont have the stamina to write longform anything, doesnt mean i dont have things to say and that maybe it would be a way to get my legs back under me but i dont know because its been a really REALLY long time and what if i dont know how anymore and the rules have changed and like nothing i have to say is interesting to anyone else or like what if there is something i feel deep all the way into my marrow, but like someone else can say it better? this bitch has the audacity to pull over to the side of the road. like in the middle of fucking NOWHERE mountainsville, kentucky or wherever the fuck we were...and goes "so, its funny you should mention THAT. its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way. i have to show you this thing. but its going to kick you in the face. long dramatic pause, because she knows just a little bit too much about my life possibly twice" ...and then shows me the following spoken word piece on her spotify playlist: ~~~~~~~ **We never promised each other much, we were always just kind of touch and go. as if we knew we'd know that somehow we'd grow differently. so we did and we do and none of this is to say that it wasn't worth going through or that i care any less about you. shoulders to lean on are hard to come by. I know because there were times I would have broken my own neck just so that I'd have one of my own to cry on. And I remember when each finger was a pawn moving slowly across the chessboard of your body and we made each game last. Passed up each avenue of attack because neither one of us were trying to win So how do we begin again when that feels like now and this feels like then? When all I can do is tell you "if you've got something that needs saying, tonight I'm paying dues." I've got a pocket full of blues and two pennies to rub together Which means I'm wealthy enough that I can finally afford to pay attention. I'm listening. And I know right now I'm somehow like that kid sitting in math class, terribly aware of his first boner. It's hard. But difficulty has never been a good enough reason to describe the effort it takes to make the good times and the memories worth having. And they were and they are and I wouldn't have come this far if you weren't worth the sleepless nights where abandoned appetites of a heart, now rail-thin, because of the constant hunger strikes. In your absence, I'm finding value, because what starves you carves you, and I'm chipping away the rough edges of a statue built to memorialize everything we've been through. And when I'm done, I'm gonna set it against the backdrop of the sun and stare just no matter where I go, it'll always be etched into the back of my mind, stenciled in behind whatever future I have left to find. Maybe we were never meant to last. Maybe we're only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom. One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm, in an ovation we're still getting curtain calls for. And the stage floor was a graveyard for the freshly cut roses that we waded through to take our bows and say thank you. It was beautiful. And it was and it is and none of it was ever show-biz. But we were waiting for lights to dim on a stage where we set ourselves to music. As if the swelling violins could ever mimic the hidden moments found in the theatre where we kept audiences stapled to their seats. And they watched us, looking for vacancies they could occupy in the spaces between our heartbeats, as if silence was a room for rent, and we both went "shh." But the beats themselves: they were loud enough to drown out the applause. And we laughed at the ushers left looking in the aisles for the dropped jaws of patrons who still can't believe we took time to find beauty in the flaws we possess. That there's only something better to be found in allowing our collective damage to coalesce. And all we confess of ourselves forever is that we will make it through this. We're gonna make it through this, like a big-ass jug of kool-aid with legs and arms busting through a brick wall to quench the thirst of our loneliness and say "fuck yeah." Yes, I miss you. When I'm not looking, the softest parts of me will issue restraining orders. Not the kind that define borders or boundaries; these are the kind that will keep me in place when I ask "please, call me when you get there." Because every somewhere I go to, is just another place that reminds me I miss you. And my broken heart is where I keep the scar-tissue that I used to dry my eyes when a tear tries to make a break for it. I've built my eyelids into an Alcatraz, where every prisoner has a parole board meeting scheduled for yesterday. And they played dominoes until time comes full circle, like a sunrise, and today tries to set them free because they'll be locked up here until I let them go, until it's safe to let you know you're my best friend. And that some things end so that other things can begin. Sometimes an ending can be an origin. That history is a resin that can keep two people stuck together, that change can be a tether if you let it. I'll always want to kiss you. Or touch you. Or do that thing that drives you crazy. And by that, I mean you literally go crazy when I call you "cranky pants." Sorry, but it makes me laugh. And that's important to someone who's given more than half of their life to tragedy. I keep your side of the bed empty with a just-in-case mentality of that hope's middle name is maybe and maybe you miss me too. One day, you and I are going to make it through this. And we'll look back and we'll realize that we have, and we did, promise. PROMISE--shane koyczan** ~~~~~ go ahead and take a minute take all the time you need because i needed fucking 20 minutes and i am pretty sure i stopped breathing we sat there in dead silence at almost 4 am on a dark as mountain road and she just held my hand while silent tears fell out of my stupid fucking face. because, like she knew she would be... she was not wrong. she was so very very not wrong. i got back to chicago on monday i have spent the last few days (still not writing) debating like...what to do with this. do i post it on Other Social Media? do i text a youtube link? do i tag everyone who crossed my mind as i listened to it the first time? (for the record, it is probably exactly who you expect, AND...other people you wouldnt so, there's been some unpacking too like "why them, though") do i sit in the corner of my shower and just cry about it for a while until it shifts from "pathetic" to "cathardic" and do i even remember where that line IS anymore? and like...sure i could direct send it but would they even read it? would they get it? would they understand? ...does it fucking matter what they think? and in all of the debating and unpacking i realized one thing: not really, no. things that resonate with ME, wont always register with Person X--certainly not always in the same way--and like...that is kind of okay, actually they dont have to get it its not for them its my thing other people will think its pretty cool, though and i can show them and those people will get excited...it only becomes problematic when Person X disregards that it resonates at all that is a dick move and like...if i, as a person. as a fucking force with which to be reckoned...resonate with so many people WHY should i keep trying to share that resonance with people who just kind of "meh" about it when i could just show it to the other people who think its pretty cool. so fuck it i will put it here and people can see it and they can think that its pretty cool or "meh" and thats ok but i should probably stop being my own Problematic Person X...